How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving: What Helps, What to Avoid and How to Be There

When someone you care about loses a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say or do.

You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing.

You may wonder whether you should give them space or check in regularly.

You may want to help but feel helpless because nothing you say can change what has happened.

There is no perfect sentence that can remove someone's grief.

But your presence can still matter enormously.

Supporting someone through bereavement is often less about finding the right words and more about being willing to stay alongside them while they experience something that cannot simply be fixed.

You Do Not Have to Fix Their Grief

One of the most important things to understand is that grief is not a problem that another person can solve.

You cannot take away the loss.

You cannot make someone stop missing the person who died.

You cannot guarantee that tomorrow will feel easier.

And you do not need to.

Your role may simply be to provide companionship, practical help and a safe relationship in which the grieving person does not have to pretend that everything is okay.

Sometimes people become uncomfortable when someone else is deeply upset and immediately start looking for something reassuring to say.

But grief does not always need reassurance.

Sometimes it needs acknowledgement.

You can say:

"I'm so sorry."

"I know how much they meant to you."

"I'm here with you."

"You don't have to go through this alone."

Simple words can be enough.

There Is No Single Way to Grieve

People often have assumptions about what grief should look like.

They expect someone to cry constantly.

Or to want to talk about the person who died.

Or to withdraw from everyone.

Or to be visibly devastated.

But grief can look very different from one person to another.

Someone may cry openly.

Someone else may become very practical and focus on arrangements.

Another person may appear calm.

Someone may want company one day and prefer to be alone the next.

A person may laugh at a memory and then suddenly become overwhelmed with sadness.

These differences do not automatically tell you how much someone cared.

Grief is personal.

Try not to measure another person's grief against your own expectations of what mourning should look like.

Listen Without Trying to Correct Their Feelings

When someone is grieving, there can be a temptation to reassure them by changing the direction of the conversation.

They may say:

"I don't know how I am going to do this without them."

And you may respond:

"You'll be okay."

They may say:

"I feel so guilty."

And you may immediately tell them:

"You did everything you could."

You may genuinely believe those things.

But sometimes the person is not asking you to solve the feeling.

They are asking you to hear it.

Instead of immediately correcting or reassuring, you can try:

"That sounds incredibly difficult."

"Do you want to tell me more about what you're feeling?"

"I'm listening."

Being heard can be more helpful than being given an answer.

Avoid Comparing Their Grief to Someone Else's

You may know someone who experienced a similar loss.

Perhaps you have personally lost someone.

That experience may help you understand certain aspects of grief.

But comparison can sometimes make a grieving person feel as though they are doing it incorrectly.

Comments such as:

"I know exactly how you feel."

or

"When my mother died, I was fine after a few months."

may unintentionally create pressure.

Even when losses appear similar, relationships are different.

The person who died had a unique place in that person's life.

Their circumstances are different.

Their support network may be different.

Their personality and coping style may be different.

Instead of comparing, allow their experience to be their own.

Be Careful With "At Least" Statements

Well-intended reassurance can sometimes minimise grief.

This can happen with phrases such as:

"At least they didn't suffer."

"At least they lived a long life."

"At least you still have your family."

"At least you had time to say goodbye."

These things may genuinely be meaningful aspects of the situation.

But the words "at least" can sometimes imply that the grieving person should therefore feel less pain.

Two things can be true at the same time.

Someone may be grateful that their loved one did not suffer, while still feeling devastated by the loss.

They may feel grateful for the years they shared while desperately missing the person.

You do not have to make the loss sound positive in order to support someone through it.

Do Not Rush Them to "Move On"

People often use phrases like:

"You need to start moving forward."

"It's time to get back to normal."

"You can't stay stuck in this."

These statements can create pressure around grief.

There is no universal timetable that determines when a person should be finished mourning.

The intensity and expression of grief can change over time, but important losses can remain meaningful for many years.

Moving forward also does not mean leaving the person behind.

A grieving person can continue remembering, loving and missing someone while gradually rebuilding their everyday life.

Remember That Grief Can Change After the Funeral

One of the reasons the period after a death can be particularly difficult is that the early days are often filled with activity.

There may be phone calls.

Family members may be visiting.

Arrangements need to be made.

There may be a funeral or memorial service.

People may ask how the family is doing.

Then the activity begins to disappear.

Other people return to their normal routines.

The phone becomes quieter.

The house may become quieter too.

This can be when the absence becomes especially noticeable.

For this reason, support should not disappear after the funeral.

A message several weeks later can mean a great deal.

So can a phone call on an anniversary, birthday or other significant date.

Sometimes the people around a grieving person forget that the grief may still be very present long after the initial arrangements have finished.

Continue Saying the Person's Name

Friends and family sometimes avoid mentioning the person who died because they are afraid that bringing them up will make the grieving person sad.

The reality is that the person is already likely thinking about them.

Hearing their name can sometimes be comforting.

You can share a memory.

You can say:

"I was thinking about your dad today."

"I remembered that story you told me about your sister."

"I saw something that reminded me of them."

There is no need to be afraid that mentioning the person will suddenly introduce grief into an otherwise normal day.

The loss is already part of the grieving person's reality.

Being willing to acknowledge the person who died can communicate that you have not forgotten them either.

Offer Specific Practical Help

One of the most common phrases people use after a death is:

"Let me know if you need anything."

It is kind, but it can place the responsibility for asking back onto someone who may already be overwhelmed.

Instead, consider offering something specific.

"I'm going to the shops this afternoon. What can I get you?"

"I can bring dinner on Wednesday."

"Would you like me to drive you to the appointment?"

"I'll check in with you on Saturday."

Practical support can become particularly valuable when grief makes everyday tasks feel exhausting.

Food, transport, childcare, household tasks and errands can all become difficult during bereavement.

You do not always need a major gesture.

Small acts of consistency can matter.

Pay Attention to Anniversaries and Milestones

Certain dates can carry significant emotional weight.

Birthdays.

Wedding anniversaries.

The anniversary of the death.

Christmas.

Easter.

Family celebrations.

Graduations.

Births.

Retirement.

Even ordinary occasions can feel different because the person who used to be present is no longer there.

You do not need to make a large event out of these dates.

A simple message can be enough:

"Thinking of you today."

"I know today may be a difficult day. I'm here."

Remembering these occasions can help a grieving person feel less alone.

Understand That Grief Can Affect Everyday Functioning

Grief can influence concentration, sleep, appetite, energy and motivation.

Someone who normally manages everything efficiently may suddenly struggle to organise simple tasks.

They may forget appointments.

They may lose track of conversations.

They may feel exhausted.

They may become more emotional or withdrawn.

They may also find social situations difficult.

Try not to interpret every change as a character flaw or lack of effort.

Grief can be demanding.

At the same time, it is important to remember that people respond differently. Some continue working and managing responsibilities with relatively little visible disruption.

Again, there is no single presentation of grief.

What If They Don't Want to Talk?

Not everyone wants to talk about their grief.

Some people need time before they can put their experience into words.

Others may prefer practical support rather than emotional conversation.

Respecting someone's need for space does not mean disappearing.

You can say:

"You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. I just want you to know I'm here."

Then continue checking in.

A person may not be ready today but may want to talk next week.

Consistent support is often more valuable than one intense conversation.

What If You Are Not Sure What They Need?

Ask.

You do not have to guess perfectly.

You can say:

"Would you rather I sit with you, listen, or give you some space?"

"What would be most helpful today?"

"Do you want to talk about them, or would you rather have some distraction?"

Grief can change from day to day.

Someone may want company one evening and solitude the next.

Giving them room to communicate their needs can be more helpful than assuming you know what is best.

Supporting Someone Does Not Mean Ignoring Your Own Limits

It is possible to care deeply about someone and still have limits.

If you become the person's only source of support, both of you may eventually become exhausted.

Encourage a wider network where possible.

Family members, friends, support groups, community resources and professional support can all play different roles.

You do not have to carry someone else's entire grieving process on your own.

In fact, maintaining your own wellbeing can make it easier to remain supportive over time.

When Professional Support May Be Helpful

Grief itself is not a sign that someone needs counselling.

Many people move through bereavement with support from family, friends, community and their own coping resources.

But there may be times when additional support is useful.

A grieving person may feel completely overwhelmed.

They may be struggling to function in everyday life.

They may feel increasingly isolated.

They may feel stuck in intense distress.

They may be struggling with guilt, anger, relationship difficulties or major changes in identity.

They may simply feel that the people around them do not understand what they are experiencing.

Professional counselling can provide a confidential space where the person does not need to protect anyone else's feelings.

They can talk openly about the loss, the relationship, the emotions surrounding it and the changes they are trying to manage.

How to Encourage Someone to Seek Support

It is usually more helpful to offer counselling as an option rather than presenting it as proof that something is wrong with them.

Instead of:

"You really need therapy."

you might say:

"You've been carrying a lot. It might help to have someone outside the family to talk to."

or:

"You don't have to handle all of this on your own. Would you consider speaking to someone?"

The person may say no.

Respect that.

You can continue to be supportive without turning professional help into a requirement.

Sometimes the knowledge that support is available is enough for a person to consider it later.

You Do Not Need Perfect Words

Supporting someone through grief can feel uncomfortable because there is no sentence that makes the loss disappear.

That does not mean you are failing.

Your willingness to stay present can be more important than saying exactly the right thing.

Listen.

Remember.

Check in.

Offer practical help.

Respect their pace.

Allow them to talk about the person who died.

Do not pressure them to be "better".

And do not disappear simply because the funeral is over.

Grief can be a long and changing experience.

Consistent support can make that experience less lonely.

Support for the Person Who Is Grieving

Sometimes family and friends provide as much support as they can, but the grieving person may still benefit from having a private space of their own.

Counselling can allow them to explore emotions that may be difficult to express within the family.

They may want to talk about the death itself.

They may want to talk about the relationship they had with the person.

They may be struggling with guilt or unresolved feelings.

They may be trying to adjust to a new identity or a life that looks fundamentally different.

There is no need to wait until grief becomes unbearable before seeking support.

At Beyond Borders Counselling, Henning Gericke provides professional counselling support for individuals navigating grief, bereavement, serious and chronic illness, caregiving and significant life transitions.

Counselling is available in Somerset West, Stellenbosch and the wider Helderberg, with online sessions available throughout South Africa.