Help someone who experienced loss and trauma just by “being”.

When confronted with a friend or family member who has experienced a traumatic loss, people who know that I am a counsellor will often ask me what they should say. This is often asked in despair, burdened and with great inner turmoil.

It is always interesting to me to hear that people feel the necessity of having to say something.

I guess it is also an indication of people’s discomfort with just “being” and instead feel that they should “say” and “do”, specifically to be helpful and supportive.

If you really think about it, what difference will words actually make to a person who has experienced indescribable loss and trauma?

What meaning will “I will be here for you” have, if it’s not backed by action? “I am thinking of you” conveys to the person in crisis that you are aware of what happened, touched by it and that it matters to you, but how much of a difference does it really make? “I know what you are going through”, often well intended, is actually just outright dismissive of the person’s pain and sorrow – even if you have gone through exactly the same incident, no two people experience an incident in the same way. Personality, previous experiences, general health, availability of resources, presence or absence of psychopathology, other burdens at the times of crisis, presence or absence of support etc. all play a role in how a person would experience such a crisis.

I am not advocating that people should not convey their sympathy or condolences to people who have experienced loss, but I want to free people from the pressure of having to say something, especially the “right” thing, because there is something more important, helpful and meaningful.

Just “being”

Be there for the person. What does this mean in practical terms? Spend time with the person. No words need to be said. Just sit with a person in his or her pain, that is pain shared. This is much more difficult than finding the “right” words. Being willing to enter the same emotional space as the person in crisis: allowing yourself to be drawn into the sorrow and pain – that is real sacrifice and compassion.

And what can you do?

Entering the same physical space as the person in crisis – entering the hospital / morgue/ police station / psychiatric clinic, again, just being next to the person.

Spend a few hours or days with the person after the incident. Just having someone there, being there, him/her not being alone, can make a huge difference. Without you necessarily having to say anything to support or counsel. Do things with the family member or friend you usually would have done – things totally unrelated to the loss and trauma, even if the person in crisis does not react to that in the same way he/she usually would have done.

Assist in practical ways which are useful to the person in crisis, but don’t force it on the person. If the person can do things him/herself that may be the things which will carry him/her through the first hours and days after the trauma.

Many studies were done after 9/11 examining the effects of various types of intervention on the trauma people experienced after 9/11. There was a small percentage of people who were more susceptible to trauma and the effects of trauma, at higher risk for developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, who benefited a lot from professional help, but the overall majority of people reported that they benefited the most from friends, family members and strangers who showed support in everyday ways – most of it “being” and “doing” orientated.

To paraphrase Francis of Assisi (“Preach the Gospel at all times, and if necessary use words”) – Help people who have experienced loss and trauma at all times, and if necessary use words.